By Bill Hanstock, Apr. 21, 2015, Sbnation.com

By now, you're likely aware of the existence of "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2," which is holding steady at an impressive zero percent on Rotten Tomatoes. At this point, the mere phrase "Paul Blart" is a shorthand for aggressively lowest-common-denominator comedy. Your dad or your uncle probably loves the first "Paul Blart." If you've never seen either of the films, you have a fully formed idea of what they are in your head, based solely on the four words "Paul Blart: Mall Cop."

This movie is bad. As bad as whatever it is you're expecting. But it isn't bad in the exact WAY that you're expecting. For starters, the most surprising and perhaps best thing that can be said for the movie is that it doesn't feature a single fart joke. The main problem is that it doesn't really seem to feature jokes at all. It features a lot of Kevin James falling and sliding and running into things, as well as a lot of Kevin James shimmying and somersaulting and doing karate hands while yelling non-sequiturs like "AIR BAG!"

The following is a partial list of things that happen in "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2":